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Dick Emery Show, The (1963-81)


Warning: screenonline full synopses contain 'spoilers' which give away key plot points. Don't read on if you don't want to know the ending!

'Matrimonial Stakes', originally transmitted on BBC1, 1 January 1972

An interviewer asks members of the public about marriage. A vicar values marriage at £15. Hettie tells the story of her engagement before making a pass at the interviewer. An Irish labourer celebrates 21 years since his wife ran off with his best friend. Clarence is still waiting for Mr Right. A traffic warden explains that, according to motorists, his parents weren't married either. 'Ton-up Boy' prefers his bike, while Mandy, who is to marry next week, misunderstands the interviewer's questions, pushes him on the shoulder and walks off.

Two women from the Last Chance Marriage Bureau, dressed identically, await their blind dates. One of them recounts her previous dates, which have been selected by a computer. They mention the names of their dates and realise the computer has matched them together.

A man dressed for a wedding mistakenly throws confetti and shouts congratulations as a coffin is carried out.

A Registry Office waiting room. A young couple wait to be married and a window cleaner jokes with the groom about his impending doom. He wishes them good luck. Another couple enter: Wal and his intended: a very tall woman. Wal is a friend of the window cleaner but before he can explain why he is going to get married, the bride's mother arrives to stop the wedding. Wal helps his friend clean the windows.

The groom asks the chimney sweep for a good luck kiss. He obliges by kissing him instead of the bride.

A newly married couple sign a life policy payable on the demise of either one of them. They attempt to kill one another by numerous devices including a display cabinet and some home-made wine. To celebrate one month together they exchange gifts - a sky-diving course and a set of duelling pistols. The woman nearly shoots the man. They agree to cancel the policy. He goes out to the car while she goes to the kitchen. There are two explosions, and both return with tattered clothes and pass out.

A Bridal Suite. The groom enters and the bride beckons him to the bed. He walks straight into a full-length mirror.

Lord and Lady Croborough are filing for divorce. His Lordship's butler, Lampwick, is called as a witness against her Ladyship. He confuses matters by explaining that his Lordship's wife on the Isle of Man will divorce him if she finds out about the court case.